Confusion incommunicado

[Extract from Ghosts and Marionettes]

.."The shopping basket was placed back in the pile of the other baskets. I made sure you had left. I walked out. Determined. So very determined. Oh yes. Come on world; take me on. Here I come. I could feel the fire burning. At least there’s fire. Always a good sign. Thankfully, I function this way and don’t switch off. Never.

It was a cold night. I knew I couldn’t go home. I didn’t tell you that. I withheld that information from you. I couldn’t face the music at home. Explaining, being honest, or faking it by smiles and banter. I needed to be alone. Just for a while, so I could allow myself time and space to think, to clear the air, break the icy conditions going on inside and out. To remove and leave behind what was left..."

Travel, again

Sometimes I see or do something, that reminds me of how precious life is. This unfortunately doesn’t happen often enough. ‘There is only one life’ as the saying goes, so why not make the most of it? Why is it so difficult to do those things I want o do, the way I want to do them, weather it is saying it right, doing it right, or being allowed or permitted by a system or someone else to do it – directly or indirectly.

When I was a child, I often looked ahead into my life and felt, ‘there is a lot of time’, thinking that I will decide ‘later’. That later has been and gone, and I am still not sure if I have actually decided. If I have, was it a good decision? Could I have done things differently? Why didn’t I, in that case? What kept me from following my instincts? Was it because of an authority telling me not to? Was it because I didn’t know, due to naivety? Ignorance? Fright of the unknown?

Or is there, overall, a kind of pre-determination to it all?

Flowers and Butterflies...

Flowers and butterflies - or are they moths? [whisper]

14.9.2010

With you and flowers

at my door

tonight

All the lost butterflies

returned

to that place

deep inside

where they so belong..

(I felt lost without them) [whisper]

They, again,

make music,

sing and whisper

Sometimes

they scream

they really

SCREAM

so loud

so very loud

it makes me;

all of me

automatically,

impulsively,

frantically,

restlessly;

move.

They

jump start my

engine

They are beyond

the orchestra

they feed me

with new nutrition

it is a plasma drip

straight

into my veins

of still and

life;

A new addition

to the list

a new addition [whisper]

to complete

a new addition [whisper]

to pursue

a new addition [whisper

to guard;

to keep

a new addition [whisper]

They talk and flutter

they need food

so they can feed

me

and my needs

my everything

oh, how this brief spell

of uncertainty

and worry

makes me

feel good again

thank you [whisper]